Funniest Job Posting Ever...

We are looking for another full-time salesperson willing to relocate to Red Mountain (or surrounding Tri-Cities area OR possibly Seattle) to assist our current three-person team in growing sales throughout the country and eventually the universe, including the first container drop on Mars.  

Expect insanely deep covert travel throughout the middle red US states, presenting at sales meetings and working with and entertaining wine reps and other trade professionals. As laboring for any family business goes, when you are not traveling, you will assist in all things marketing, entertaining, cooking, washing dishes, etc. He/she will also get the opportunity to be involved in all blue state domestic and international sales as opportunities arise. The growth potential is staggering and never-ending, but this person will have to prove themselves. We’re looking for a soldier or warrior princess willing to break their backs for the terroir; the kind of person that doesn’t know the word “no”; a person willing to prove themselves in any way to earn a seat at the rectangular table of the Guardians of Red Mountain. You will receive the red triangle tattoo once you’ve proven worthy.

The ideal candidate is looking for a long term (read: lifetime) position, has some sommelier, rep, or other wine trade experience, a deep passion for terroir, above-average computer/tech experience—writing skills, social media, marketing, knowledge or willingness to learn graphics programs; a love hate relationship with Excel and Powerpoint (more hate than love) and most importantly, astounding, nearly mind-bending charm, charisma, and wit at the lunch and dinner table.  This candidate’s optimal way of dying would be at the far end of a candle-lit dinner table, listening to Rachmaninoff’s Piano Concerto No. 2, surrounded by old squat bottles from obscure regions, or possibly dropping while drinking a magnum of a deep rosé of pale pink hues during the daylight hours of a trade lunch while taking a break from a gut-wrenching, high-stakes Pétanque session.  

Other optional professional qualifications/considerations: 

- Highlight of your life is a grocery chain tasting with a buyer in a mop closet drinking out of Dixie cups

- Sincere compassion and understanding of “off” vintage Bordeaux

- When you stay in a hotel, even for one night, you completely unpack, using the drawers; and by the end of the stay, you’ve used every amenity available

- Topo Chico – If you don’t know… just stop reading and go away. 

- A Delta tattoo on upper right thigh; Boo and Christophe have their arms covered

- Fluency in dead languages and ability to mind read 

- You see consumers and wine trade as two totally different species of humans

- Top level renter at Fox or National with aspirations for gold status at Hertz

- An obsession with British wine writing

- Chops to formulate vexing arguments on the ageability of gamay and the virtues of indigenous micro extractions of colloid formation in protein chains whilst studying for the MW

- Your greatest curiosity is discovering what lies beyond Diamond status on Delta; you often wake in a pool of sweat and tears dreaming of crossing a pond in first class onboard Cathay Pacific or Emirates

- On the tee box, you have a unique ability to drive the ball just short of your clients and bosses. On the green, your putts are always an Angstrom short of dropping into the cup

- Marriage only considered if it gets you a lifelong by-the-glass placement at a major global restaurant empire with only one BTG offering in north of 7000 locations

- An odd desire to donate all of your Delta miles to your superiors 

- Strange yet beautiful hobbies and interests such as box kite making, obscure sitar music collecting, UFO chasing, or perhaps prepping or foundry

- Willingness to have name changed if your superiors see the need; not kidding

- The ability to make even the angriest Jersey box store buyer love you 

- If applicable, a spouse and children who love to see you walk out the door 

- A love of long, long lunches that often turn into dinner 

- Ability to use Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, WeChat, Snapchat, ChitChat, PhotoSnap, TweetyBook, and with one beautiful multilayered millennial super app of your own design that’s controlled by whispering sweet commands to Siri.  

- You write in Jancis on the presidential ballot every four years

- Always analyzing your blueberry and kale intake so you can offset your love of frites and Dijon.

- The need to return from a sales trip and don a canvas robe and contemplate your existence

- On your off days, you like to go into the tasting room to hone your sales skills

- Drinking Spatburgunder and playing Call of Duty is no big deal

- Your definition of success is the number of Delta miles you have when you die

If you made it this far, you may send your resume to And FYI, we probably won’t read it. Your experience doesn’t matter. In fact, Boo has created an email rule that instantly deletes emails from seasoned pros with Neilson data expertise.Your cover letter is what’s going to get you this job. Flattery and bribes are welcome. Don't try too hard; this moment is where your charisma must shine. This position will take from one day to fifty years to fill; the fit has to be perfect. 

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